Life Blood

USA, 2009
aka Pearblossom aka Murder World

Director: Ron Carlson
Starring: Sophie Monk, Anya Lahiri, Angela Lindvall
IMDB: 4.1

Writer/Director Ron Carlson is obviously a guy who knows what the fans want. And with Life Blood he has shown a commendable and refreshing lack of restraint in providing it. However, adjectives such as subtle, tasteful, or nuanced won't be required in this particular review.

The recipe is simple - hot lesbian vampire chicks doing what you want them to - toying with hapless male victims, sucking blood, and inbetween times getting it on with each other. Throw in a dash of gore, a few creative kills, and sprinkle with humor to bake up a tasty dish of wholesome exploitation.



But as any chef will tell you, the secret is in using quality ingredients, and this is undoubtedly a low-budget affair. The movie starts a little slowly, and its obvious early on that the acting and script are low budget. Luckily, it was only 2 minutes and 9 seconds into the movie before we see Rhea (Anya Lahiri) passionately kissing her girlfriend Brooke (Sophie Monk) ... so I hung in there.

The plot is suitably diabolical - basically the girls hit a New Years Eve party in 1969, things go awry, they get killed, God steps in and resurrects them, then transports them 40 years into the future ... as vampires.

Lesbian vampire angels to be exact - one good, one bad. Conveniently, the girls lost their clothes somewhere in the space/time continuum, so they're forced to wander the desert in their lingerie. Heh, don't you just love seedily contrived plot devices?



Oh yeah... turns out God (Victoria's Secret supermodel Angela Lindvall) is not only a woman, but apparently a lesbian vampire too. So God and Rhea have a bit of a vampiric pash before she sends her on her way.

As sharp-eyed readers will have noted, this is total trash - but deliberately so, and it never takes itself seriously. Unfortunately, the film doesn't pull the exploitation thing off particularly successfully - probably needed to get a bit more twisted. And for a movie that 1) Has a script with an undoubtedly exploitational tone, and 2) is firmly targeted at the male (or lesbian) demographic, the tameness of the lesbonics and lack of nudity is an unforgivable crime. This seems to be a trend with U.S genre movies these days, all promise and no delivery.



However, it does have its moments. Like when Brooke slithers up to the hapless gas station attendant, pout and boobs in full effect, and coos "You still wanna get up in this shit?". In fact, I have to give props here to Sophie Monk - who actually turns in a pretty good performance.

Now I could easily make a wisecrack here about her being the best actor in the film, and how that revelation might enlighten readers to the quality on offer here. However that would in fact be slightly unfair to Miss Monk, who really is quite good in her role and enhances the movie's appeal considerably.



While I applaud the intentions of the film-makers to make this seedy kind of exploitation horror flick, it's not likely to make anyone's best-of lists. It is however, good trashy fun at times - there is plenty of dark humour and twisted scenarios, although spoiled somewhat with lame and ineffective dialogue in some scenes. Genre aficionados will likely leave the table less than satisfied, and of course the popcorn crowd should stay far far away.

Rating: 5/10

Original Poster Art

Vampire's Kiss

USA, 1988

Director: Robert Bierman
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jennifer Beals, Maria Conchita Alonso
IMDB: 5.2

Here's a movie that really took me by surprise. A mate had been trying to get me to watch it for a while, but to be honest, a vampire comedy from the 1980s starring Nicolas Cage? Doesn't exactly make for something I'd go out of my way for, and the cheeseball DVD cover doesn't help.

While undeniably funny in a twisted kinda way, in actual fact Vampire's Kiss is not a parody, and much darker than you'd expect. In many ways it sits more easily amongst films such as American Psycho and Edmond. It's that kind of funny.

However, Cage does not have the acting chops of a Christian Bale or William H. Macy, and pretty much hams it up - giving us an over-the-top physical brand of humor more akin to Jim Carrey. This makes for a deliriously fevered performance once the insanity fully takes hold, but also lightens the tone considerably.



Cage plays Peter Loew - a high-flying, hard-drinking, womanising yuppie. In fact, when we first meet him he's shitfaced drunk, staggering back to his apartment with a new lady-friend in tow for a bit of the old in and out. In a seemingly innocuous event, a bat disturbs their fun and forces them to leave the apartment. This gains significance later on - though not in the way you might think.

The next morning he's at work, looking appropriately seedy in a suit with no socks, being the epitome of the asshole boss to his long-suffering Latina assistant Alva (Maria Conchita Alonso). In fact he really gives her a hard time, taking a psychotic glee in grinding her underfoot. Then he's off to counseling with his psychiatrist who doesn't seem to realise just how fucked up he really is.




The next night he scores again, but this time with Rachel (Jennifer Beals), and we get the second sex scene within the first 20 minutes of the movie. This is a 1980's movie - so its gratuitous of course.

In any case, inviting Rachel into his home might not have been the best idea, because she's a sexy vampiric seductress! What's more, she's the jealous kind.




Things start to go downhill for Peter from here on in - he starts avoiding sunlight, sleeps under his couch, wears shades to work, and his psychotic behaviour becomes more and more pronounced. But while we understand this downward spiral is due to the vampirism taking hold, is it really?

In the last 30 minutes, the true nature of the film starts to reveal itself for a surprising revelation. Of course there were small clues along the way, but I'm not going to spoil it here.




This is an oddball flick from the 1980's which I found to be surprisingly twisted. This must have been made before the censors started going PC on us - there's nudity, explicit swearing, rape, murder, and vampirism all rolled into one darkly humorous film. Cage's performance is perhaps over-wrought, but is enjoyable and certainly makes the movie.

Sound and visuals are nothing spectacular, although there are a few quite good-looking scenes, especially given the film had a budget of just $2 million. For something a bit different, Vampire's Kiss is well worth checking out.

Rating: 7/10

Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl

Japan, 2009
Original title: Kyûketsu Shôjo tai Shôjo Furanken
Director: Yoshihiro Nishimura, Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Starring: Yukie Kawamura, Takumi Saito, Eri Otoguro, Eihi Shiina
IMDB: 6.8

Following the worldwide success of his previous film Tokyo Gore Police, fans of director Yoshihiro Nishimura were eager to see what he would come up with next ...

Would he use his new-found fame to obtain better funding and elevate his creative vision to the next level? Would he take the opportunity to work with a more substantial plot and delve deeper into the quirks of Japanese society? Would he, in short, transcend his low-budget splatter origins to deliver something more ... intelligent?

Fuck no. With a title like Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl - you know this is going to be B-grade schlock all the way.

And while we might have hoped for more plot, more budget, and more depth - what we have instead is simply more of the same. Which is not necessarily a bad thing when you're creating some of the most outrageously twisted movies in film today.

Fans of the ludicrously warped end of Japanese splatter cinema, and in-particular Nishimura's signature style, will no doubt find much to love here. After all, where else could you see a vampiric schoolgirl suck the face (literally) off a frankensteined classmate, headbutt the fleshless skull clean off her shoulders - and with uncanny aim, have said skull vampirized mid-air and land directly on the face of another poor schoolgirl to repeat the process?

With an extremely high WTF factor, you won't see anything quite like this anywhere else. For those of you twisted enough to love this type of lurid spectacle, sit back and let the insanity (and blood), wash over you.




The story takes place at Tokyo High School, in a classroom replete with iconic Japanese teen fashion cliches - the Gothic Lolitas, the Ganguro girls, and of course the wrist-cutters. All of which are exaggerated to the point of extreme parody. Especially the Ganguro girls, one of which has taken tanning to the next level by wearing negroid facial prosthetics as part of her daily 'outfit'. Another Ganguro even has an African lip plate. And if you've seen Tokyo Gore Police then you can guess what the wrist-cutters are up to!



The story begins on Valentine's Day, and in Japan the custom is for girls to give chocolate to the guys they like. (On March 14, guys return the favor). Monami (J-idol Yukie Kawamura) has just transferred to the class, and has decided to give chocolate to the class hunk Mizushima (Takumi Saito). The problem is that the leader of the Gothic Lolita clique, Keiko (Eri Otoguro) has already decided Mizushima is "her" boyfriend .... and she's pissed.

Turns out that there's more to the demure Monami than meets the eye though. Luckily for Keiko, her father is the deputy principle, and a mad-scientist to boot. He's been working in Frankenstein fashion to re-animate life, assisted by the school's psychotic nymphomaniac nurse.




All this ties together in a story involving a Vampire Girl, a Frankenstein Girl, and one shitload of blood. But then you probably guessed as much by now.

Yukie Kawamura, a popular gravure idol turned actress, doesn't have the super-cool poise of Eihi Shiina, but does a pretty good job of grounding her character in some semblance of reality. Well ... as much as possible given the circumstances! And perhaps more importantly given the genre, looks super-cute even when covered in blood.



Although the film's budget constraints are sometimes exposed, for the most part the visuals are impressive - hyper-stylized, with bold saturated colours and inventive effects. Of special note are the scenes when a character is turned into a vampire, reminiscent of a particularly potent acid trip, with humans being perceived as nothing more than walking blood systems. Very, very cool.

It goes without saying that the gore effects are top-notch, and the battle scenes contain the obligatory poses, creative use of body-parts, and ridiculously violent and unlikely kills.



Also of note is the hard rock soundtrack that adds a driving intensity, ensuring energy levels remain high throughout. This is a film that you really should see live and loud in a theatre if at all possible, so you can fully enjoy the experience along with a bunch of like-minded maniacs.

In summary, and taking the title into consideration, fans will definitely get what they came for, and a bucket-load more besides. One note however - I can see this style getting a bit tired if Nishimura doesn't bring something a bit more substantial to the table in his future films. But as his next release is titled "Mutant Girls Squad" - I doubt that will be any time soon.

In the meantime I'm more than happy to revel in yet another feverishly twisted imagining from the mind of Yoshihiro Nishimura. And while there's nothing really new here, Japanese schoolgirls covered in blood and kicking the crap out of each other never really gets old now, does it ?

Rating: 7/10

Note: Technically this is not a solo Nishimura film as he shares director's duties with Naoyuki Tomomatsu. Nishimura's next solo project is entitled Helldriver and is due to start shooting this Spring.

More screenshots

Trailer