One Million Years B.C.

UK, 1966
Director: Don Chaffey
Starring: Raquel Welch, John Richardson, Martine Beswick, Percy Herbert

While the search for a good Raquel Welch movie continues, I had a pretty good idea this was not likely to be one of them. Nevertheless, this is the movie that launched her as an international sex symbol, and the source of the infamous loin-skin bikini.

The title and poster art immediately make it apparent that intellectual rigour is not one of the film's strong points. After all, in one million BC there existed neither cavemen, nor dinosaurs. The dinosaurs having become extinct approximately 64 million years earlier, and cavemen not evolving from souped-up tree monkeys for at least another 800,000 years.

The salient point being that cavemen and dinosaurs never actually existed at the same time ... in fact about 65 million years apart, which is no small mistake when you think about it. So the tagline of the poster "This is the way it was", is basically marketing bullshit of the highest order.

 

Still, if you can buy into a cave-woman looking like Raquel Welch, then your disbelief has already been well and truly suspended!

So about the movie ... the simplest summary would be to say it has a couple of things going for it, and they both belong to Raquel Welch. While that may be accurate, it's not the whole story. Coming out of the Hammer Studios in England, it's worthwhile remembering that this is a 45 year old movie. And for it's time, the creature effects by Ray Harryhausen must've been quite fantastic.

Even now, they look quite impressive at times - the stop-motion models look more realistic than what most CGI produces - although the motion of the beasts themselves is not so convincing. All the best-loved dinosaurs make an appearance: Brontosaurus, Triceratops, Tyrannosaurus Rex, even a clutch of Pterodactyls.



Filmed in the Canary Islands for that authentic dawn of the age of man vibe, the location lends the exterior scenes a measure of credibility. Unfortunately to modern eyes, most of the rest of the movie feels dated and fake. Had more attention been paid to realism, it may even have been possible to enjoy the movie for the thrill of seeing what caveman life would've been like. Instead the realism quotient is more along the lines of a Godzilla movie, and what charm remains, to modern sensibilities at least, is left entirely to Ms Welch.




On that point, you will not be disappointed. She definitely rocks the loin-skin and probably helped make the movie endurable for fathers taking their kids to the flicks all those years ago. Which must've been what happened, because the film was a commercial success.

Rating 4/10. Of interest to loin skin connoisseurs only.

More screenshots

Girly

aka Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny and Girly
U.K., 1970

Director: Freddie Francis
Starring: Vanessa Howard, Ursula Howells, Howard Trevor, Michael Bryant
IMDB: 7.0

In my relentless pursuit of ever more obscure cheap thrills and mayhem, I never suspected I'd discover a 'sadistic schoolgirl killer' movie coming out of the U.K. in 1970! Pre-dating similar 'twisted family' movies such as Takashi Miike's 'Happiness of the Katakuris', Girly is a very black comedy revolving around an upper-class British family ruled by a matriarch known only as Mumsy (Ursula Howells).

Her outlook on life is quintessentially British, insisting on correct manners at all times, and instilling in her family the importance of 'sticking to the rules'. Along with her knitting partner Nanny, they run a happy and efficient family home, enjoying and encouraging the playfulness of the children Sonny and Girly.




However, this is no ordinary family unit - Mumsy's overbearing control has kept the children at an emotional age of around 6 years old, despite being in their 20's. As such, they still wear their school uniforms, sleep in children's cribs, and spend their time playing games such as 'cowboys and indians' and 'playing shop'.

Mumsy and Nanny are exceedingly indulgent of the children, even allowing them to visit the local park and bring home 'new friends' as they please. Said 'new friends' are in fact homeless winos, lured back to the estate by the promise of alcohol and certainly encouraged by the coquettish wiles of Girly and her short skirts.




Once back to the estate, the new friends are welcomed into the family with true British hospitality, including meals, their own room, and nightly baths from Nanny. In return however, they are expected to stick to the rules which first and foremost includes NOT ESCAPING, and in addition pandering to every whim as the children's new playmate.

Disobeying the rules is not tolerated, and any infractions mean the new friend is put on trial - usually resulting in the harshest of sentences. It doesn't help that the children behave like all children do, making up the rules as they go along. And it's no surprise that they've been through quite a few 'new friends' already.

However, the promise of a bit of girly-action keeps the men toeing the line, enduring constant degradations and bearing the brunt of the children's violent practical jokes.



The family's problems begin with the arrival of 'new friend in 2'. The newly captured friend assigned to Room 2 is a male gigolo, and does not at all mind being trapped and pampered in a house with three single women. It doesn't take him long to find a way of sexually manipulating the situation to his best advantage.

The ensuing jealousies make for a gloriously demented finale as the accepted family structure is called into question, rivalries are settled with brutal finality, and maybe a happy new balance will be reached at last.




When this film was made, Director Freddie Francis handed the completed film over to the studio, only for them to promptly go bankrupt shortly thereafter. Consequently, it never received a great deal of marketing and until recently was thought to be lost forever. Even the director did not have a copy.

However in 2004, bootlegs from an old VHS started to appear on the internet, and its from one of them that these screen-shots are taken. However there is very good news on the horizon! Scorpion Entertainment have picked up the rights to the film and are releasing it as a Region 0 DVD on March 30th (see link below). I've seen screen-shots of the new DVD and the quality looks fantastically better. I'll be picking one up for sure.

In summary, Girly is a deliciously black comedy and a worthy addition to the Twisted Flicks library. Vanessa Howard's sexy and malevolent portrayal of Girly is especially notable, however the acting is good all-round in this poignantly twisted caricature of a British family. However those unfamiliar with traditional British culture may find the film especially bizarre, even puzzling, given the constant references to old-time nursery rhymes and games.

Rating 6.5/10

Where to Buy

R1 DVD - amazon.com

RocknRolla

Great Britain, 2008

Director: Guy Ritchie
Starring: Gerard Butler, Thandie Newton, Toby Kebbell, Tom Hardy, Tom Wilkinson
IMDB: 7.5

"A real rocknrolla wants the fuckin' lot"

Fans of director Guy Richie (Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, Revolver) will be happy to know that he has not strayed from the style and substance of his previous movies.

Lenny, considering himself the top dog in the London underworld, is doing a deal with the Russian Mafia who are paying him handsomely to grease the appropriate channels and get approval for construction of a new arena. Unfortunately, the 7 million euro commission fee gets stolen en route causing major headaches for them both.

Along the way we meet Mr One-Two (Gerard Butler), the head of 'The Wild Bunch' and his merry band of crims for hire, Johnny Quid the druggie Rock star who may or may not be dead, and a couple of extraordinarily persistent Chechnyan mercenaries.

I won't go into the story any further, as there is a lot going on in its almost 2hr running time, with many different characters and side-stories. Suffice to say that the story moves quickly, and is pure entertainment from start to finish.

The usual British gangsters, thugs and druggies are here, counter-balanced this time by the ever gorgeous Thandie Newton as femme fatale Stella, who adds a welcome sexy dimension to the film. Its a huge and impressive cast of characters too - all turning in top performances in what is a very polished film. The cinematography and visuals are equally impressive.

Guy Richie has certainly made the British gangster flick genre his own, and this latest movie is typically excellent, and highly recommended.

Rating: 8/10

Screenshots - click to enlarge