Lesbian Vampire Killers

UK, 2009

Director: Phil Claydon
Starring: Mathew Horne, James Corden, Paul McGann, MyAnna Buring
IMDB: 5.1

With a title that combines three staples of exploitation cinema - lesbians, vampires, and killers - I was hoping this might be another entry in the ever-growing pantheon of superb modern exploitation films. Unfortunately, its not that kind of film.

LVK is in fact a low-brow horror comedy that seems firmly geared towards the teen market, rather than a genre entry for exploitation or horror aficionados. You could be excused for expecting, from the title alone, a mysogynistic guilty pleasure ... hot naked vampire chicks getting it on in a hedonistic orgy of blood and sex. And while there is certainly a bit of that in the mix, its very much 'hedonism-lite'. A homogenised, watered down facsimile of our fevered imaginings.

There are a few wet and squirty kills, but they're played for laughs. In the LVK universe vampire blood looks suspiciously like man-yoghurt, which if intentional, adds another layer of meaning to the double-entendre infused script. This is something different and works well.

The art direction was very impressive, working with what looks like a fairly small budget and achieving some memorable visuals (see screenshots). There are also some genuinely funny moments of physical comedy.

Overall however, LVK was a disappointment - a film that for me at least, does not live up to its raunchy title. This is certainly due to the fact I was hoping for something more exploitative. I suspect that if you go into this expecting your average horror comedy, you will come out quite happy ... especially if you are a fan of silly Brit comedies like Hot Fuzz.

Rating: 5.5/10

Screenshots (click to enlarge)

Trailer

The Business

UK, 2005
Director: Nick Love
Starring: Danny Dyer, Tamer Hassan, Geoff Bell, Georgina Chapman
IMDB: 6.5

Having reviewed a drug dealer movie from Brazil just a few weeks back (My Name isn't Johnny), this is the UK version based in sun-soaked Gibraltar in the 1980's.

While movies about drug-dealers seem to follow a fairly predictable storyline, they're almost always a good watch, and this is no exception. There are limey gangster types, rampant drug use, overt sexuality, brutal violence, explicit language, drug-deals, and a quite astounding soundtrack. All good adult stuff!

The film benefits from not being overly slick and glamorous like Hollywood movies can be, which results in believable characters and situations. Whether this realism is due to design, budget restraints or the inimitable lo-fi British acting style is up for debate - but it works here.

Frankie, played by Danny Dyer, is a rather unlikely gangster, who gets introduced to playboy and dealer Charlie (Tamer Hassan) through a friend. Charlie is in partnership with his old school buddy, and raving psycho Sammy (Geoff Bell), who has a hot (and hot to trot) girlfriend Carly (played by model Georgina Chapman).

As Frankie becomes more trusted by Charlie, he starts playing a bigger role in the business, earning the enmity of psycho Sam. It doesn't help that his girlfriend Carly is making it fairly clear she's keen for a fuck. A dangerous prospect at best. And as they progress from weed to cocaine deals the stakes become higher and more volatile.

The film moves along at a good pace and is constantly entertaining, moving seamlessly between action, suspense and humour. Although the humour is of the ironic British style, and a knowledge of british colloquialisms would be a bonus - like when the middle-age wives see the sexy, young Carly walk past ... "Uh look at it. CUNT. Ain't got a bit o' class. Thinks she's the bollocks ..."

But what I am truly astounded by is the soundtrack. How on earth did they get this many great songs into one movie? Wouldn't that have cost more than the movie itself? Sure, its all British music from the 80's - as befits the film's time and location - but the selection is impressive. Maybe because its a British film, the British musicians gave 'em a deal. If so, good work, because if there is one trump card the British film industry holds, it is the wealth of great British music they can draw on.

Just check out some of the songs included ...

David Bowie "Modern Love"
Roxy Music "Avalon"
The Cult "Wildflower"
Simple Minds "Don't you forget about me"
The Knack "My Sharona"
Blondie "Heart of Glass" and "Call Me"
Frankie Goes to Hollywood "Welcome to the Pleasuredome"
Duran Duran "Planet Earth"
Talk Talk "It's My Life"
Flock of Seagulls "I ran"

Rating: 7/10

Screenshots

Chemical Wedding

UK, 2008
Director: Julian Doyle
Starring: Simon Callow, Kal Weber, Lucy Cudden
IMDB: 6.5

This one caught me off guard, as I was none too impressed by the first 15 mins or so. But don't give up - it gets better.

It's a British production, so you have some pretty ordinary locations, costumes, and non-glamorous actors. And at first I got the impression of uninspired camerawork and a low-budget feel ... but on reflection I think this may have been a conscious stylistic decision to emulate the look of classic 70's Hammer Horror films. It certainly felt dated at times ... but at others not at all.

The other thing that often typifies British films is good scripts that don't pander to the lowest common denominator of mass-market appeal like Hollywood does. And in this respect, the film comes up trumps.

With a gritty realism reminiscent of films such as The Exorcist, The Shining, and Altered States ... this is a cerebral horror film with some great ideas thrown into a story that keeps you interested right to the end. Many areas were touched on in the film that will please avid readers ... Freemasonry, Isis and Osiris, Joseph of Arimathea, The Quantum Uncertainty Principle, Black Holes, Schrodinger's Cat, and parallel universes to name a few.

Based on the premise of the notorious British occultist Aleister Crowley resurrecting himself, the story weaves fact with fiction to create a fairly consistent, albeit fantastic premise. I'm not sure if everything would hold up to critical analysis, but nothing seemed glaringly inconsistent - and hell, this is a supernatural horror movie after all! And I have to say, its one of the better ones.

Interestingly, one of the co-writers is Bruce Dickinson ... none other than lead singer of Iron Maiden. Had I known this beforehand I wouldn't have been so surprised to hear snatches of 'Can I Play with Madness' thrown into the soundtrack.

One of the obvious standouts of the film is the performance of Simon Callow who creates one of the most memorable evil characters in recent times. I'm sure I sensed shades of Vincent Price in some of the shots. The movie is worth watching for his performance alone.

Overall this is a very worthy supernatural horror movie - especially for fans of intelligent horror. It is at times funny, outrageous, crude, gory, and creepy... and refreshingly un-PC. Also I'm glad to say that the ending is not disappointing, which I was suckered into thinking it might be. The typical boy saves girl from the bad guy in the nick of time would've seriously pissed me off. Without giving anything away, its sufficient to say that the ending ties things up neatly, and in a completely unexpected way.

Summary

Not for fans of Hollywood movies, glamorous actors, beautiful images, typicale horror, gore or action films. But viewers with a twisted sense of humour, an open adult mind, and love of a good story may well be impressed.

My Rating: 6.5/10

Screenshots

Nature Morte

UK, 2008
Director: Paul Burrows
Starring: Troy McFadden, Carole Derrien, Laurent Guyon
IMDB: 6.1

At last - a real horror movie! It seems Hollywood has forgotten how to make them, with most in the horror genre being funny or comical rather than disturbing. This visceral, hypnotic movie takes you into the sick and twisted world of a serial killer, clutches you within its atmospheric grip and slices your mind into slivers of bloody, mutilated flesh.

This is the first film from director Paul Burrows, and all I can say is give the guy some cash! He is surely a director to watch in the future, as he has all the right ideas. Given a larger budget this movie would have been one of the all-time horror greats. Unfortunately the film is somewhat let down by poor visual production values and so-so acting - very much a case of what could've been with a decent budget.

The lighting is often under-exposed, leaving the actors indistinguishable in the shadows ... I'm sure this was intentionally done to create atmosphere and style ... but perhaps better quality gear would help realise the idea more successfully, rather than giving a low-budget feel. Of more concern is that the actors voices are often hard to understand ... it seems many are speaking English as a second language and the dialogue can be difficult to understand.

However don't let these failings put you off, this is a film well worth seeking out and enjoying. It is a unique horror experience for horror fiends to savour.

Of special note is the soundtrack created by ex-Siouxsie and the Banshees Steve Severin with wife Arban - it is simply superb, and significantly contributes to taking this film out of the ordinary. The production values of the soundtrack are top notch, belying the film's general low budget feel. Be sure to turn the volume up high to fully enjoy the atmosphere it creates. This is one of the best horror soundtracks I've ever heard!

Screenshots

Trailer