Life Blood

USA, 2009
aka Pearblossom aka Murder World

Director: Ron Carlson
Starring: Sophie Monk, Anya Lahiri, Angela Lindvall
IMDB: 4.1

Writer/Director Ron Carlson is obviously a guy who knows what the fans want. And with Life Blood he has shown a commendable and refreshing lack of restraint in providing it. However, adjectives such as subtle, tasteful, or nuanced won't be required in this particular review.

The recipe is simple - hot lesbian vampire chicks doing what you want them to - toying with hapless male victims, sucking blood, and inbetween times getting it on with each other. Throw in a dash of gore, a few creative kills, and sprinkle with humor to bake up a tasty dish of wholesome exploitation.



But as any chef will tell you, the secret is in using quality ingredients, and this is undoubtedly a low-budget affair. The movie starts a little slowly, and its obvious early on that the acting and script are low budget. Luckily, it was only 2 minutes and 9 seconds into the movie before we see Rhea (Anya Lahiri) passionately kissing her girlfriend Brooke (Sophie Monk) ... so I hung in there.

The plot is suitably diabolical - basically the girls hit a New Years Eve party in 1969, things go awry, they get killed, God steps in and resurrects them, then transports them 40 years into the future ... as vampires.

Lesbian vampire angels to be exact - one good, one bad. Conveniently, the girls lost their clothes somewhere in the space/time continuum, so they're forced to wander the desert in their lingerie. Heh, don't you just love seedily contrived plot devices?



Oh yeah... turns out God (Victoria's Secret supermodel Angela Lindvall) is not only a woman, but apparently a lesbian vampire too. So God and Rhea have a bit of a vampiric pash before she sends her on her way.

As sharp-eyed readers will have noted, this is total trash - but deliberately so, and it never takes itself seriously. Unfortunately, the film doesn't pull the exploitation thing off particularly successfully - probably needed to get a bit more twisted. And for a movie that 1) Has a script with an undoubtedly exploitational tone, and 2) is firmly targeted at the male (or lesbian) demographic, the tameness of the lesbonics and lack of nudity is an unforgivable crime. This seems to be a trend with U.S genre movies these days, all promise and no delivery.



However, it does have its moments. Like when Brooke slithers up to the hapless gas station attendant, pout and boobs in full effect, and coos "You still wanna get up in this shit?". In fact, I have to give props here to Sophie Monk - who actually turns in a pretty good performance.

Now I could easily make a wisecrack here about her being the best actor in the film, and how that revelation might enlighten readers to the quality on offer here. However that would in fact be slightly unfair to Miss Monk, who really is quite good in her role and enhances the movie's appeal considerably.



While I applaud the intentions of the film-makers to make this seedy kind of exploitation horror flick, it's not likely to make anyone's best-of lists. It is however, good trashy fun at times - there is plenty of dark humour and twisted scenarios, although spoiled somewhat with lame and ineffective dialogue in some scenes. Genre aficionados will likely leave the table less than satisfied, and of course the popcorn crowd should stay far far away.

Rating: 5/10

Original Poster Art

Lesbian Vampire Killers

UK, 2009

Director: Phil Claydon
Starring: Mathew Horne, James Corden, Paul McGann, MyAnna Buring
IMDB: 5.1

With a title that combines three staples of exploitation cinema - lesbians, vampires, and killers - I was hoping this might be another entry in the ever-growing pantheon of superb modern exploitation films. Unfortunately, its not that kind of film.

LVK is in fact a low-brow horror comedy that seems firmly geared towards the teen market, rather than a genre entry for exploitation or horror aficionados. You could be excused for expecting, from the title alone, a mysogynistic guilty pleasure ... hot naked vampire chicks getting it on in a hedonistic orgy of blood and sex. And while there is certainly a bit of that in the mix, its very much 'hedonism-lite'. A homogenised, watered down facsimile of our fevered imaginings.

There are a few wet and squirty kills, but they're played for laughs. In the LVK universe vampire blood looks suspiciously like man-yoghurt, which if intentional, adds another layer of meaning to the double-entendre infused script. This is something different and works well.

The art direction was very impressive, working with what looks like a fairly small budget and achieving some memorable visuals (see screenshots). There are also some genuinely funny moments of physical comedy.

Overall however, LVK was a disappointment - a film that for me at least, does not live up to its raunchy title. This is certainly due to the fact I was hoping for something more exploitative. I suspect that if you go into this expecting your average horror comedy, you will come out quite happy ... especially if you are a fan of silly Brit comedies like Hot Fuzz.

Rating: 5.5/10

Screenshots (click to enlarge)

Trailer